NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h--l for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person Can we get naked now?...

BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T: When administered to a boyfriend or husband,
provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Thanks, Neen!

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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If you can read this, you have a strange mind too...

Can you raed tihs? So far olny 34 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht
oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is
taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


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Steal No Hats!

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat!"

WHY PETS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS.

They eat less
They're easier to train
They don't drive your car
They don't smoke or drink
They don't wear your clothes
They usually come when called
They don't need money for college
They dont ask for money all the time
They don't hang out with druggie friends
They don't have to have fashionable clothing
If they get pregnant,you can sell their children.


my 14yr old even laughed at this.

There is a factory in Northern Ontario, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle its tummy.

Well, Jena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a pounding at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule!

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line stands Jena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into uncontrollable laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."


"Your job is to give Elmo two TEST TICKLES."

Thank you - I just forwarded it to my 21 year old daughter - I bought her a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas last year as a joke present - she will appreciate this

Tickle me elmo joke was way too funny!!!

I was surfing youtube and found this:


www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtRR3EZ-FQE&NR

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDepABf9JOg

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football
game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will.
Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every
time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came
the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle.
WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard loss. The little animals go back to the
huddle cheering and congratulating each other. "Who made that tackle?"
asked the ant. "I did," said the centipede. Second play: The rhinoceros
runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did,"
said the centipede. Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by
the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for
a 10-yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede,
"Where were you in the first half?" The centipede replied,
"Puttin' on my shoes!"

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!
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To the Girls !!


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the heck happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the witch up with cookies.
(Unknown)



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-



I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-





My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-



Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-





Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-





Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-




If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-





I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-






Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-


Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.

Joke-O-The Day
A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike
their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine
or femine."'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is
masculine -- le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french
dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender,
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for
their recommendations. The men's group decided that computers should
definitely be the feminine gender because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group however, concluded that computers should be
masculine because:
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time,
they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

great one lisaloo

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a
very famousartist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- karat
diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald
bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my
husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die
I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking
for the jewelry..."

For all the Fossils in the Bowl:

This is either funny or sad - depends on how you look at it:

I have 2 Canada World Youth boys from Africa staying with me for a couple of months & 12 more of the youth are staying with different families in our town. Last night a couple of African girls came over to visit and the conversation went like this -

Girl: Who looks after you?

Me : Pardon, I don't quite understand

Girl : Who cooks for you?

Me: I do

Girl: No, No! You are very old, somebody must look after you

Me: (sits there with mouth open, trying to think of a reply)

Girl: In my country (Namibia), "they" would come & take you and put you in a hospital for old people because you are too old to take care of yourself

It did real wonders for my self-esteem
(I will be 59 next month!).

HAHAHA Fossil. I'm 31 so it's still funny for me.