THE NURSING HOME POLICE
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to
charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males
actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted " STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster,
and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very
sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyser again!"

"I was abducted by aliens..."
When asked to share the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work, hiring managers shared some of their favorite examples:


"I'm too drunk to drive to work."


"I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."


"I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work." (Employee was not in the medical profession.)


"I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."


"My boyfriend's snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."


"I'm too fat to get into my work pants."


"God didn't wake me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready.)


"I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."


"The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."


"I forgot I was getting married today."


"My cow bit me."


"My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out."


"I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself."


"I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."


"My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in."


Rosemary Haefner is the Vice President of Human Resources for CareerBuilder.com. She is an expert in recruitment trends and tactics, job seeker behavior, workplace issues, employee attitudes and HR initiatives.

A young Newfoundlander moved to California and went
to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The newfie said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Newfoundland."

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundlander (of course) so
he gave him the job. The manager said, "You can start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the manager
asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

The Newfie said, "One."

The manager said, "Just one? Our sales people average
20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The newfie said, "$101,237.64"

The manager gasped, "$101.237.64? What did you sell?"

The newfie said, "I sold him a small fish hook. Then I
sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger
fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
that twin engine Sea Ray. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4
x 4 Suburban."

The manager said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish
hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

The newfie said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of
tampons for his wife and I told him that since his
weekend's shot --
he might as well go fishing.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
I thought this one is worth passing on. This one is for everyone who... a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid, e) is going to have Kids.
--------------------------------------------------------------

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied sadly, "What happened to my booger?"

You mean this has happened to other people? Thought it was only me!

Read carefully - don't take it at face value!

http://www.darkmage.net/quink/quinkslinks/links.html

Wanda's dishwasher quite working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "i'll leave the key under the mat, fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter and i'll mail you a cheque"
"oh and by the way don't worry about my bulldog spike. He won't bother you, but whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!!

When the repairman arrived at wanda's apartment the fallowing day, he discovered the biggest meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, curising,and name calling, Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID UGLY BIRD!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, spike!"

Men just don't listen.

And a couple for a rainy Thursday:




Number 1
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a
dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"
the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire
truck, but if you were to tie that rope to the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.

"The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
have a siren.




Number 2

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home

and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.



When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"



He replies," Heck if I know. Go next door and ask Edith.

She's a nurse."



The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty

minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and

bruises on her face and body.



"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.



"Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a

specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle.

I told her to go •••• in her hat, and then all hell broke loose

Friends,

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli)bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t.


There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service

Some of these are pretty FUNNY!

Hope this hasn't been posted before

for the French speaking fishies, you'll laugh out loud and sometimes pee your pants!


www.tetesaclaques.tv

Sarah, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Pompano Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah per sisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of sex she ever had in her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz"?

You’ll smile


Sometimes when days are dark and bleak
A cup of hope is what I seek
“Where can I turn?” is on my lips
My hands both perched upon my hips
Then suddenly the rain clouds part
And bring a lightness to my heart
I see a bright rainbow and wipe my last tear....
Cause my pot of gold is filled with beer!
Ahhhh.

(Taken from 'The Wise Guys' – 98.1FM CHFI Toronto Radio)

HOT & COLD SEX!

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly
man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex
with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is
usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and
then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August."

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird

section. Gerry says to Paddy,'Dat's dem.'



The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.



Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere,'

says Gerry, 'Put dem in a peeper bag.'



The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the

birds and leave the shop.



They get into Gerry's van and drive to 'Come-By-Chance ' until

they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a

500-foot drop.



Dis looks like a grand place, eh?' says Gerry.



He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his

shoulders and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight

down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'



As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says,



'Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous fer me!