Best Excuse Ever!!!!
>
> A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
> out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
> 80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had
> left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the
> pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he
> saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
> blaring. "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the
> elderly gent as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
>
> Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for
> this nonsense!" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited
> for the Trooper to catch up. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper
> walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch
> and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
> you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
> heard before, I'll let you go."
>
> The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago,
> my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were
> bringing her back. "
>
> "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"



Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."



Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"



Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

I've had this one forever but it still makes me laugh...

The Kitchen B****

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of b****** who want off, get the h*** off now... because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b****** who are getting on, get your a**** on the train cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train… but I want you to use nice language!

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon! She heard her little darling continue..." for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p***** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b**** in the kitchen..."


TEE HEE!

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, Honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real crazy one this time."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

RCMP vs. Newfoundlander

Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfoundlander. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity - - I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard - - Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot - - Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

LMAO , at both rooks .
Designated decoy ,

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf.
It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place,
since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers?

My 13 year old son was just sent this joke and I thought it was funny so here it is:

You Know You Live In
2007 When . . .

[1.] Everybody has blonde moments








[2.] You haven't played solitaire with real cards
in years.





[3.] The real reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name.








[4.] You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the .T.V.









[6.] Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.









[7.] You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.








[8.] As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.








[9.] And.. you were too busy to notice number 5.








[10.] You actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5.








[11.] And now you're laughing at your stupidity.

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Seeing-Eye Dog

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f@*ing Chihuahua?!"

Originally posted by rooks Seeing-Eye Dog

LOVE IT!!!!!

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind...




I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side
saddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll
never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm just not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain the whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man
who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me -- or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?





________________________________

"Yeah, some of them are about ten minutes long, others five or six."
Bob Dylan
Asked in 1965 interview whether he knew what his songs were about