Originally posted by Fossil For all the Fossils in the Bowl: Girl: In my country (Namibia), "they" would come & take you and put you in a hospital for old people because you are too old to take care of yourself It did real wonders for my self-esteem (I will be 59 next month!).

awww well i am glad that here in Canada we dont think of putting you 'fossils' away for a few more years...................hahaha i am sure they think 25 is old!!......... I did get called ma'am the other day and told the young 'man' to take it back so it looks like i am crossing over to the other side...........

And now for something completely different:



An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "Oh, that's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so? " asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry a bout it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

I have a good one for ya's. I got this call yesterday at work for the boss, and I took a message as I knew it was a call center. The woman kept me on the phone for quite some time and talking about nothing in particular. After she realized that I wasn't going to let her speak to my boss, she said that she would tell me the joke of the day then, confused, I said ok. She said "What is in the air that will make women pregnant?" and when I said I didn't know, she replied "ANKLES". Keep in mind that I was at work and I didn't quite think that was proper....a little funny, but an unusual call during office hours, I didn't know if I should laugh or hang up. It sounded like a joke my husband would repeat. So what do you think? I don't know what is more comical, the joke or the fact that a call center told me such a joke!

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy (who had been looking out the Window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big a irplanes have baby airplanes?"

>>>>>>>>>>>

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The Stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

>>>>>>>>>>>

The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your

Mother that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls

Out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.

A new monk first task was to me handwritten copies of the scriptures.

He asked the head monk why they made copies of copies instead of copying the original.

The monk replied the original was too delicate and kept in the vault.

But what, asked the new monk, if there was an error in the copy.

Well this stumped the old monk so he headed down to the vault to read the original copy which handed been touch in hundreds of years.

After a while the new monk went looking for him and found him in the vault smashing his head against the wall and crying "It says celebrate, it say celebrate, oh no, we forgot the "r", "

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

I can't believe I read the entire joke!
Kim
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This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to start off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes," answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits 'til he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened
before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is convicted for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there, smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of
your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.

"Nah," says the bloke...........
....
....
....

"I'm just a bad conductor."

Based on your driving habits, where should you live?

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago & Montreal

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York & Toronto

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Jersey & Ottawa

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California; or Saskatoon, but driving in Toronto

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy & Quebec City

8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic Seattle & Vancouver

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas & Red Deer

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia & Prince George

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida & Victoria

12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scraper in hand out front window scraping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing "Share The Land", hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: Winnipeg

13. One knee/thigh on steering wheel of SUV, cell phone tucked under chin, two hands giving the Italian salute, head alternating between screaming at kids in the back seat and mouthing obscenities at traffic while maneuvering through a Tim Horton's drive thru for breakfast: Mississauga

Rick Mercer Report videos

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what
she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband!
Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to
him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are
you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Sarcastic Sayings

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Jack - Priceless
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin, next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note on the dresser. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to do some shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, juice and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "son... Do you know what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home sometime after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture stumbling around the house, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So then, why is everything in such perfect order, I have a rose, and breakfast is cooked and waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom. When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken furniture - $185.26

Hot Breakfast - 4.20

Red Rose bud - 3.19

Two Aspirins - .38

Saying the right thing, at the right time- Priceless

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on His face. "S***" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts Himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "S***, S***!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm f***n' f***Ed," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No f***in' way".

He perseveres though and crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "f*** it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was f***in' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub."

(I spit my gum out laughing at this one!! )


A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. . .


"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."


The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. . .


"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."


Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75... He pushes his luck.


"I want the house," he says insistently...


Up to 80 ...


"I want the car, too," he continues.


85 mph...


"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"


The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,


"Isn't there anything you want?"


The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.......

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.


"Oh, really," he inquires nastily, "so what have you got!?!"


Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles and says....


"The airbag."


Moral of the Story :

Women are crazy!! Don't mess with them!!



Just smile and pass this on to those who need a laugh